So.

I guess I have some explaining to do, huh?

So much has happened that I still have trouble wrapping my head around it, so sorry in advance if any of this comes off as a bunch of rambling bullshit (because it probably will be).

I've read through my old blog dozens of times now, trying to piece together just what might have happened to me. I haven't found that particular answer, but I can tell you one thing: near everything I wrote was complete and utter bullshit. And not like, poorly written, over-dramatic bullshit (which it still is), but next to none of this shit really happened bullshit. I was young and stupid and desperate for attention, the kind of attention you can only get from strangers on the internet when you tell them you're being stalked by a supernatural creature. I would just write out anything I could think of, any idea that sounded cool,, scribble some shit on a wall and pretend I "found" it or scrawl something on a piece of paper in broken Japanese because I thought it sounded cool. Reading through that blog is cringe-inducing for any number of reasons.

But the thing about all this is it only becomes real when you want it to be.

Wish for something supernatural and creepy hard enough and all of a sudden, things start happening that you just can't explain. And all of a sudden, you'd do anything to get rid of something you used to think you wanted. That's how it went for me. So I guess I got my dumb, fucked up wish.

The last thing posted on my old blog was some garbage prose about me wandering around and eventually vanishing from a park bench in broad daylight. Which, outside of everyone treating me like some great hero or bringer of "hope" or whatever, might have actually happened. There's no one thing I can remember clearly enough to pin point as the last thing I remember. I remember doing poorly in school before I stopped going altogether. I remember my parents getting mad at me, and then worried about me, almost as much as I remember not caring in the slightest. I remember losing time, even back then. I'd space out for hours, forget what I was doing, try to go to sleep and wake up fully-dressed out in the fields behind my house. I think I might have packed before I left home, but I can't be sure since I don't have anything I might have taken with me now.

Anyway, about five or six months ago, I woke up on the pavement behind a crumbling, clearly abandoned building in a place I couldn't recognize. Aside from some slight disorientation, I didn't feel all that different or strange at all. I was wearing clothes I couldn't quite remember owning (plain shirt, jeans, slightly worn sneakers, and a heavy winter coat. none of it's really my style) and I'd been resting my head on a beat-up backpack that definitely wasn't mine. No one was around.

I should have been panicking, but I wasn't. It was just a sort of feeling like "Oh, well this is new." Either way, I was more interested in looking through the bag. I immediately found rolls upon rolls of cash, all in varying denominations and cleanliness. Okay, I did start becoming a little less comfortable with the situation at that point. There were also various bits of non-perishable food, a handful of IDs that clearly didn't belong to me, some miscellaneous junk (leaves and plastic jewelry and shit), and a stuffed bear. For whatever reason. There was also a smartphone that I didn't think was mine, but I guessed the unlock pattern first try. It felt sort of like muscle memory? I didn't even have to think about it. It had been factory reset so there was nothing on it of importance. Only the date. August 22nd, 2014.

That's the part that fucks me up. I tried, and I've been trying even since then to make sense of that. 2014? The last date I can remember reliably is some time in...2012????? or maybe 2011??? the last post on my log that I can rremmebber was from 2010 but thats fucking impossible, that counltnt have happened then beacause the day i left home had to have been sometime later than that because it happened after my birtady and my paretnt were already shoving collage brochures in my face????// or maybe i already started and didn't remember because i have a lot of first day at school feelings that feel new but they can't be because I don't remember when the happened?????????? It's all a fucking mess and I have no idea what happened to me then or what the fuck happened to me in the 2-whatever years since then. It's all completely blank. Nothing. I just wake up in some shit hole with a huge fucking chunk of my life missing and just the most fucked up sense of time. It hasn't gotten better since then either. I have to look at this phone CONSTANTLY or I start forgetting and I just know that if I start loging time again that I'm just fucked. Like, if I lose track and start letting minutes and hours slip away like I did before, I could just lose it again and then next I know I'll wake up in 2039 or some fucking bullshit like that.

Sorry. I still get a little...distressed(???) when I try to think about it. Uh, actually I'm not feeling so great all of a sudden so I guess I'll finish this later.

I guess i'd just like to say that I'm alive (even if I don't always feel like I should be) and I promise I'll get to explaining the rest soon, I just need to rest.

Oh, and it goes without saying that my name isn't hosozukuri or hoso or sozu or any of that shit. It's Taylor.

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